i jhust puked up my retainher.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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