Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize