dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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