ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
