You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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