Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
