took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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