Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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