I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
