i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize