the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
