It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
