U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
