it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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