I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Your dad touched me again.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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