I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
