does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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