Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
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