i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
