why didn't you poke me back
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
