oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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