Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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