They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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