ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
