i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
