what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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