We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Sober January is a disaster.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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