She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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