I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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