Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
