have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
