apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize