oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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