that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
