If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
