HIV tests are more positive than that guy
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
