Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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