i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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