Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
