everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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