there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
