i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
