you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
