I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
