My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
