Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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