I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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