omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
