last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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