fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
