Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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