I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
