When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
