Tell her she can't have a vagina
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
