everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
