He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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