at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
