im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Sober January is a disaster.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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