So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize