I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
this will be a night to untag.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
