Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize