Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
