Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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