Please, let me fuck your mom
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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