quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You pole danced in your parka.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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