i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Michael Bay diarrhea
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
