i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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