My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
