Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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